Okay, it's a little hackneyed, and to me a bit meh overall, but there is a mostly entertaining post over at Gawker: The Secrets Gay Men Don’t Want Straight People to Know. The funny in it is that, yeah, it's pretty much all true.
From the bit:
We Have Our Own CelebritiesI tend to rant about the "tourists," when I go out. I use "tourist" to refer to the self-important yet clueless straight people (usually young women) who take over gay bars and think they're all cool because they're in a gay bar (but cooler than the gays in residence? no.) and that the gay guys should cater to their whims because they are (1) girls and (2) straight, as if invading a gay space was some act of political or moral support on their part, and that gay boys are all just desperate to have a new straight girl best friend and she's going to be it. These are the people who treat a gay bar like it's a zoo. This is our home people. Show some respect. We are not your monkeys, but if you piss us off enough we are quite prepared to fling some poo.
Straight people think, "Oh, the gays love Madonna and Lady Gaga and Kathy Griffin." Yes, it's true, but there is a class of gay superstars you don't even know about. You think gay people love Gaga? You should hear when a Robyn song comes on at a gay bar. Then it is fucking over. Don't forget the Scissor Sisters, anyone who was ever on RuPaul's Drag Race, Ben Cohen, cabaret superstar Mx. Justin Vivian Bond, or all the women whose careers we are personally keeping alive like Cyndi Lauper, Margaret Cho, and Sandra Bernhard. You may think you know what we like, but you don't even know the half of it.
We Don't Love Drag Queens As Much As You Do
Drag queens are great! Some of my best friends are drag queens, and some of them put on great shows. But we see drag queens all the damn time. You can hardly go to a gay bar without running into one who is "hosting," doing a lip sync number, running a contest, or just generally harassing people. For straight people it's a treat. It's fun and exciting and awesome. We're glad that you can be in on the campy fun, but don't hate us if we don't match your enthusiasm. Imagine if you took us to a straight bar and we were like, "Oh my god! They have the football game on the television over the bar. Isn't that amazing! That's so awesome. Look at that screen! It's so big and clear. Let's give it a dollar! Do you have a dollar? I want to tip the screen," you would think we were some crazy asshole. That's how we feel when you wig out (pun intended) over drag queens. Just clarifying.
The annoyance factor goes up tenfold if it's a bachelorette party. It's gotten so bad, the hot club and show bar in Nashville is adding a third, mid-evening drag show just for the bachelorette parties/straight kids in an effort to reduce the incursion of annoying gaggles of straight girls into the later show.
Honestly, the young-straight-girl-gaggle incursion is incredibly annoying. We're not grateful to have you here, and your behavior is deplorable. This is not a gay thing, this is an annoying straight girl thing. And before too many of my female friends get their collective panties in a twist, I am not saying that all straight girls are annoying; I am saying that annoying girls are annoying.
There are many awesome straight girls we love to hang out with and actively invite into the bar scene. (Actually, I consider these people women rather than girls.) They've been to school and they get it. We are not their "gay friend" and they are not our "straight friend." We are simply and completely "friends." And they mind their manners when Out. As do we.
The girls I'm ranting about would be annoying in straight bars too. But while any room of men would consider these girls fucktards, the straight men might be willing to indulge their company because of their stimulating looks or the possibility of some penis-related action. Gay men are not distracted by your pouty lips or pushed-up breasts, and to many gay guys you are pretty much dick kryptonite. The guys are out having fun in the bar and you're pouring ice water down our pants, so don't expect the same treatment to which you are accustomed from other men.
Imagine you're with a bunch of self-centered bachelorette bimbos invading a sports bar on game night. Even if you're hot, there is a limit to what the guys will put up with for that sake alone. Don't push in front of the bar, don't bogart the wings, and don't block the view of the screen. The game is on, and we're here to watch it. It's guys night out, and you're intruding
I've said it before: gay bars are sports bars. We just have different sports. And none of them are you.
So, if you fear you might be one of these girls, if you have Googled "bachelorette party gay bar" and found this, or if you are a young straight girl who goes to gay bars and someone has sent you a link to this post, then pay attention: these are the three primary rules you need to learn and adhere to if you want to have a good time without getting your beads read.
- You are a guest.
- No one wants to fuck you.
- Mind the bar etiquette.
Behave like one. Enjoy the welcome but do not assert yourself. Do not be the fat, loud American tourist on European holiday.
No one wants to fuck you.
While gay bars tend to have a sexually-charged atmosphere, you have no power here. No one will defer to you, and you are the lowest person on the totem pole. You are, at best, equal. Bigger breasts will not get you free drinks nor the bartender's attention. Act neither entitled nor haughty, that is exceptionally annoying and will win you zero attention other than loathing.
We're the queens, you're a bee.
Do not get physical or throw yourself at a gay guy because he's considered "safe." This cuts both ways: It is not okay for a gay guy to kiss/ touch/ molest you in any fashion without your express consent. Most men, even the gay ones, are fascinated with breasts. But if a gay guy reaches for your mammaries, it should come with either a go ahead from you or a smack down from his peers. It's not just incredibly tacky, it's sexual assault.
That being said, there are also plenty of fag stags around and you are encouraged to hook up with them.
Mind the bar etiquette.
Order your drinks from the well, then get out of the way. Do not block access to the bar. Do not be expected to be served out of order because you're a girl. Do not order a drink with more, at the most, three ingredients. If you are considering a blended drink, there better be a spinning slushy machine behind the bar.
Finally, while not a rule, my awesome gay-bar-going-straight-women friends would remind you to respect Dick O'Clock. There will come a tipping point in the nightlife of any gay bar where the inclination to hook up overcomes the inclination to socialize. In some settings, this may vary from a slight yet perceptible increase in the cruising factor to a marked increase in sexual energy if not an outright frenzy to get laid. When dick o'clock chimes, the girls work on leaving, and the guys get to work on leaving together. If you pay attention, you can hear the ticking before the bell actually tolls.
Experienced friends sometimes invoke a code word or phrase. This roughly translates to "I love you, really. But I am working on this bit of hotness here and it looks like it might go someplace naked, so our hanging out together portion of the evening has come to an end. Let me know if you need cab fare."