to the Southwest Airlines flight attendant who is thinking about cutting me off after only two drinks

I have deep respect for your position. Truly, I do. There are many things that you know that I do not. However, there are a few things I do know which may have escaped your attention. I am not personally flying the plane, nor am I operating any vehicle once we land.

I am 230 pounds.

I am pushing six-foot-three.

I am from Tennessee.

And I am gay.

Those four things combined mean that I could suck moonshine from a tube for the duration of this flight and still be sober enough to land the plane safely while wearing an eye patch and sitting on a butt plug.

And just last night I had my heart torn out and then stomped on with what felt like golf shoes.

I am not drunk. I am not going to get drunk. I am not going to cause a scene. I am not going to upset the apple cart. I am not going to be "that guy" and take a dump on the beverage cart. You don't even have a beverage cart.

I would just like to sit here and drink and pretend that I am not going to die alone. Or delude myself into thinking that I am not likely to die alone even sooner because I am trapped in a small metal tube breathing recycled air with the great unwashed during the early stages of a global pandemic.

I don't want any trouble. I don't even want to talk about my troubles. I just want another drink. I am a quiet and courteous person. I have fist-fulls of drink tickets. I would just like vodka-sodas while I fly.

Lots of them.

Now.

Thank you.

post, haste

Alright, I have so much to cover from the Seattle weekend and the Emerald City Hoedown, but I've got to go get ready for the Nashville vacation (boy do I need one). I'm sure I'll be putting pithy witty bits in my Facebook status, but I hazard I won't be able to blog as much as I'd like to while I am off having these adventures.

Hugs and plugs from I'm Just Sayin'.

I'll just be sayin' it later.

Out.

April 20, what time is it?

A little back-blogging now. Most Californians are aware of the 420/marijuana association, so April 20 is sort of a stoner's holiday. A friend of a friend hosted a party at her house/garden in Pacifica, and Kevin hired a limo to take six of us down the coast—sober driving in style. We packed the limo bar with beer and booze and enjoyed a beautiful ride down the coast.

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Ironically, that's just a a coffee coffee, not a whore's coffee. I needed me some wake-up juice.

This trip was during the heat wave and the beaches were packed, and the long coastal ride was an almost endless parade of blue sky and surfer flesh. All kinds of nature's beauty. The sunset over the ocean turned out to be stunning.

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It was all new people to me, but charming folks all. Especially as the night went on. (I just brought my own bottle of Mandarin, keeping to my drug of choice.) The event did crack me up to no end though. I started taking secret snaps with my iPhone, but unfortunately many were too blurry to keep. But here are some snapshot clues that you're at a stoner's house:

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And of course the beer-can pyramid, and even the soap was hemp.

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Then there was the mustache theme. I didn't get it, but I loved it.

.

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Trust me, there were many more.

All the way round, a pleasant warm night on the coast. And none of us had to drive. Thanks Kev!

Boldly ho

Pollo Del Mar and BeBe Sweetbriar hosted a Star Trek-themed Brain Farts last night.

As usual, it was hilarious, and we won. The Ciroc shots were nice, but I also won a Trek t-shirt too small for me to wear and free passes to a pre-screening I won't be in town to see. James gets prizes tomorrow morning for giving me a ride to SFO at Dear God It's Early O'Clock.

Some of the team names we considered:

• Rock Out with Your Spock Out (which we used)
• The Captain's "Log" (which we dismissed but someone else used)
• Deep Space Nine Inches
• Tribbles with Crabs
• Where No Man Has Gone Down Before
• Boldly Going, Bitches.
• Quantum Singularities (how can you have more than one singularity?)
• Rock, Paper, Sissors, Lizard, Spock
• Vulcan grip this, Baby.

Team name we liked the best: Spock in a frock on a rock with a cock.

Nice.

Fun around town this weekend and next

Hey Kids! I'm off to Nashville tomorrow early and will miss a lot of the fun here in SF, but you can take advantage of some great offerings:

Friday May 1
Nasty returns to the Powerhouse, $5 cover to benefit the AIDS Emergency Fund.
Hosted by everyone's favorite party girl Suzan Revah (she's a public dancer, a dancer for donations...) and the Bare Chest Calendar guys will be on hands as well as "dirty demo" by Steven Satyricon. Also, free chair massages by Alex (NICE hands!)

Saturday May 2
Trannyshack Presents: The Big Sleazy, Part 1
Featuring performances by your favorite Trannyshack stars, including Heklina, Mercy Fuque, Holy McGrail, Precious Moments, Metal Patricia, Renttecca, Turleen, Monistat, and many more.
3:00-7:00 pm at The Lookout

Bearracuda with DJ Boyshapedbox (love him)
As usual: Free massages upstairs; smoking on the patio; hot and cold snacks in the pool room.
9:00 pm - 3:00 am at Deco Lounge. $5 before 10:00 and $7 after.

Sunday afternoon is also the Kentucky Derby. Find a party, host your own, or just turn on the TV and make yourself a mint julep!

Sunday, May 3
Sunday Morning Cocktail Party Hosted by Bebe Sweetbriar
With DJ Lawrence, a party buffet, a drag show, and drink specials, including bottomless mimosas, BeBe Lemonades, and Build-Your-Own Bloody BeBes
Every Sunday at Triple Crown, 1760 Market Street at Octavia
Doors at 11am, Show at 2pm

77 El Deora at Twang Sunday at Thee Parkside, 4:00-7:00, Free (Facebook event)

Bare Chest Calendar Finals at the DNA Lounge, 6:00-9:30 pm

Sundance Saloon, as usual, 5:30-10:30 pm (see website for schedule of lessons)
$5, 550 Barneveld

CocktailGate with Suppositori Spelling
Truck, 8:00 til close, show at 9:00. Kitchen open to midnight (love the chicken fingers)

And in Castro/Library news:
Next weekend, May 8&9 is the Castro/Eureka Valley Weekend
Presented by the Eureka Valley Library Campaign

Friday May 8: Castro with a Capital "C": learn more about how the Castro has helped to shape the culture of the City, the state, and the world. Eureka Valley Recreation Center, 100 Collingwood Street, 6:30 pm

Saturday May 9: Storytime with the Sisters: Experience an all-ages storytime hosted by the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence and the Harvey Milk Civil Rights Academy. At the Harvey Milk Civil Rights Academy, 4235 19th Street, 10:00 am.

Saturday May 9: Before It Was the Castro: Explore the fabulous history of the neighborhood. Bring your stories and hear others. Living history, slide shows, memorabilia and photos. Eureka Valley Recreation Center Auditorium, 100 Collingwood Street, 2:00 pm.

In other library news:
Overdue materials fine amnesty period is May 3-16

The SFPL is now offering 24/7 access to digital media including audiobooks, music, and movies. Full demonstrations given at the Fulton Street saide of the Main Friday May 8 from noon to 5:00 and Saturday May 9 from 10:00 am to 4:00 pm. Or check it out (ha) yourself at SFPL.org.

Under a Full Moon (30 Years of the Sisters of Perpeutual Indulgence) runs through May 7.

Now y'all go have fun!

Rock out with your cockatoo out

When it comes to dancing, the bird bird bird, bird is the word.

In NPR Research News: Parrots Join Humans on the Dance Floor

The video doesn't allow embedding, but you've got to click through. Love it.

San Francisco swingers!

God I love this town. Where else would a small band of "pranksters" get on BART, install playful red swings, and leave them for others to enjoy for the night.

__
swings on BART
Originally uploaded by y3rdua

Via Laughing Squid: "What apparently happened, according to witnesses, was a team of six or so people hopped on to a north-bound train from 24th Street station in San Francisco around 8:30 p.m. last night, installed three matching red swings, and then exited at 16th Street leaving their swings behind for public consumption."

I love the whimsy and pure child-like joy of it all. This is a happy thing. And it saddens me to think that there are so many ("authority figures") who would have pounced on such lite fare as "terrorism!"

Wheee! I want to swing!

Flickr set.

flour, eggs...

Wilson: I need to go to Safeway after laundry tonight. Need a run?
Shilpa: Why are you buying food if you're going away again so soon?
Wilson: I also need general things... toilet paper... Jack Daniels...
Shilpa: Oh, right.
Wilson: You know, staples.

The Great Muppet Caper, starring George Clooney

From Alert Reader Shilpa Patel, lots and lots of awesome:

Henson's 11


Just brilliant!

Via iFilm: "Kat Reilly created Henson’s 11, a mash-up of Ocean’s Eleven and The Muppets films for a non-linear editing class. Sadly, I’d pay to see this movie."

texting with all thumbs

A good friend of mine does not mix well with technology. I try to keep him away from anything with free flowing electrons.

He is exceptionally social though, and cannot be without a smartphone. Unfortunately, he has a terrible track record with mobile devices. Even so, he has become quite prolific with his text messages.

Although now he has started to unintentionally send text messages to my work number. The mobile company has a service that converts, as best it can, the text to speech when sent to a land line. I just got another one in my voice mail this afternoon. Pretty hilarious.

A couple of Mondays ago I came into work to find this waiting for me:

Moho a Go-Go!

Alert Readers may recall that I (1) make mix party CDs for me and innermost circle under the name Homo A Go-Go; and (2) I have supplanted the slightly pejorative term "fag hag" with either "fruit fly" or my own term "moho" (as in "homo's and their 'mo' ho's.")

This just in from Alert Reader Sinclair Kelly. Homo a Go-Go lovin' from a moho on the go go:

A few months ago, I think I had some sort of quarter life crisis and felt like I had to accomplish something before I turned 30. God only knows why I chose the Music City Marathon. I’m not a runner. I’m not really a walker. I get bored with repetitive activities unless it’s raising a pint of beer to my mouth. Hell, I don’t even smoke, not so much for the health risk, but really for the fact that I flat out hate repetition. That’s why I always chose sports like climbing and dancing.

Back around December I secretly started training for the marathon. Secretly b/c I assumed I’d come to my senses and back out. I started by running a few miles a couple times a week. Clearly it was going to be much harder than I initially thought so I cleaned off my shuffle and filled it with Homo a GoGo vol. 1-5. It’s 4 months later and I’ve now listened to those dang mixes hundreds of times.

Last Saturday, I ran the 13.1 miles around Nashville with 30,000 of my closest friends in record-breaking heat. People were passing out and vomiting all along the route. One guy actually passed away after the race. But I felt totally fine with my iPod—ran down Broadway to Mika, circled Music Row with Rihanna, ran down Belmont to Sister Sledge, up Music Row to Pink, through Bicentennial mall to Goldfrapp and crossed the finish line to Lil Mama. (see attached)

I’m still waddling like a duck and I have a stellar racerback tan. I had to go to a black tie thing Sat night and Jonny was making fun of me the entire time. Karma’s a bitch b/c we were checking out a few open houses on Sunday and this dude hit his car. But that’s another story.

Back to you... Your CDs kept me running for the entire half marathon and I’ll always be grateful for you and your music stylings. I even did better than my projected time. So really, thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!

I’ll send you photos when I get them and I’ll see you next week!
Sin

Congratulations Sinclair! Go go my moho!

bring bring, it's for you

My brother used to say that when answering a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

On an entirely different ring tone, there is a web site (so very NSFW) devoted to guys posing in varying degrees of undress (and tumescence) taking their photo with an iPhone. They then, one presumes, uploaded these self-iPortraits to the Interwebs.

The iPhone. Yeah, there's app for that.


Via Joe.My.God.


Update: WTF with some of these bathrooms? Judging by the paper towel dispensers, they appear to be public restrooms.

flu shots

The swine flue is all over the news, even though most credible agencies are saying it shouldn't be called the swine flu as it is porcine and avian and all sorts of genetic weirdness and would be better called the "North American Flu" as that's what it is.

UCSF Infectious Disease Expert Lawrence Drew answers some important questions. FYI.

heads up

Wilson: "Man. Now I've got 'Pon de Replay' stuck in my head for some reason,"
Shilpa: "Well, don't get it stuck in mine!"
Wilson: "What do you want to get stuck in your head?
........... [pause]
........... okay, that came out a lot dirtier than I intended."

cartography porn

Mapping the seven deadly sins. Sinfully fun.

Spock in a tub

There is just so much wrong here. I just...can't.

As the man says, "Rock out with your Spock out."

From sea to shining SEA-TAC

The long weekend in Seattle was wonderful. I really needed a vacation. Although I am dying here now with all the work that piled up in my absence. Seriously people, I was only gone two days. I'm afraid this place will collapse in May week when I am gone for over a week.

I have all sorts of stories and photos to share. I just need to find the time to do so. I hope to have the energy tonight to sit down and have a blog fest. In the meantime, here are my mobile Facebook status updates from the trip (I know at this point I should just use Twitter but I am resisting. A blog and FB are enough time leeches for me.)

April 23 at 9:05am
Wilson Hardcastle is wondering why, with this crowd, only ONE security lane is open.

April 23 at 9:35am
Front and center in the airport bookstore.
_

April 23 at 4:58pm
Wilson Hardcastle is headed to dinner at the Space Needle. :)

April 23 at 5:12 pm
Wilson Hardcastle likes Seattle's big nuts.


April 23 at 7:30pm
Wilson Hardcastle is looking out


April 23 at 7:58pm
Wilson Hardcastle has just learned that most of the gay bars in Seattle have closed down "because now they can get sex online."

April 23 at 10:40pm
Wilson Hardcastle says if you get the clap more than once, you can call it applause.
(Guy's comment: Then I know someone who got a standing ovation.)

Fri 12:06pm
Wilson Hardcastle, staying at a hotel, is reminded what a crap paper the USA Today is.

Fri 12:36pm
Wilson Hardcastle is excited! The mountain is out!

Fri 6:50pm
Wilson Hardcastle thinks the iPhone is the tricorder made real. And loves it.

Fri 11:14pm
Wilson Hardcastle thinks this DJ is lame, lame, lame. My grandmother thinks this music is too slow. And she's been dead for 16 years.

Sat 12:11am
Wilson Hardcastle was following a hot lead and managed to elbow him in the face on a fast turn--giving him a fat and bloody lip. Wilson thinks he won't be asked to dance with him again. Oops.

Sat 2:56pm
_

Sat 4:31pm
Wilson Hardcastle is resting his tired feet before the big hoedown! And he'll try to keep those elbows in on the spins this time.

Sat 11:25pm


Yesterday at 1:01am
Wilson Hardcastle's feet say "ow."

Yesterday at 10:51pm
Wilson Hardcastle got back from a three-day country dance weekend...and went country dancing. His ankle is now mush. Bring on the Epsom salts.

getting my boots wet

Alright Kids, I've got some great Kevin stories I need to blog—I know that they have been few and far between these past few months. Believe me I miss them too. But I may have to blog these from the hotel (since United wants to charge me$40 to $140 extra for a seat I can fit my legs into, I don't think I'll be able to accommodate the laptop or typing).

I leave tomorrow morning for Seattle and the Emerald City Hoedown!


I also get to visit with Seattle Bill, and dear old and long lost friend Mike De Moss. Mike sent Bill my way when Bill dropped into SF over the weekend of my 28th birthday—that's a while back. Mike and I were good friends in Nashville for the brief period he lived there, and it has easily been over a decade since I saw him last.

Looking forward to it all!

(Well, not the rain. As is forecast. Not surprisingly.)

April party roundup

Hey kids—it's been a long week and I've got to run. So here's a quick rundown of the week that was, for posterity's sake, and for those who like seeing themselves on page six.

Last week some New Zealand tourists were sent our way by the Barney, and I host a little southern supper of gumbo, cornbread and banana pudding. They came all this was and I thought they should have some southern hospitality. They pointed out they are much more southern than I am. Further south maybe, but not Southern.

Shouts to Gareth, Julie and Mark. We also got a little video Skype lovin' from Barney.

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As soon as those guests left, others arrived. Thursday night I got to welcome good friend from Nashville Jon Glassmeyer, whom I don't think I have seen in SF since Folsom 2005 (I see him plenty in Nashville). While I was at it, I made yet another pot of gumbo and banana pudding for Jon, which is silly because he is as Southern as it gets and it was akin to bringing coal to Newcastle.

I took Jon for a spin around Sundance Saloon on a Thursday, and then we happily ended up at yet another calendar event at the Powerhouse. Jon was happy.

(photoset)

Last Friday saw the second hosting of the renewed Guerrilla Queer Bar, this time in West Portal. Klaus, barely recovering from his bout with step and such, made it out for one last hurrah before he had to fly back to Denmark.

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Love the Klaus. It sucks that he spent his two weeks stateside sick. But RMJ reported how impressed he was with the way the Danish national health care system made sure he was taken care of while he was here. The US could take a lesson!

Shilpa, gay man that she is, was Out and about—

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And she left her mark.


Robert attracted his own sort of attention. As he does.


Uh huh.

And a big shout out to Jim Rudoff, charming new guy to meet. When we exchanged names I used my usual "Wilson, like a tennis ball." Which didn't really clarify it. I try to judge my audience and alternate between "Wilson, like a tennis ball" (other sporting equipment would do, but I grew up playing tennis and so there's that) and "Wilson, as in Woodrow." You would not believe how many people have not heard of Woodrow Wilson. And even Wilson tennis balls. But there it is.

He offered his last name, phonetically, as Rudolph. And I said,"As in Wilma." He looked at me like I was crazy (astute one that Jim) and corrected me with, "like the reindeer." Which of course makes MUCH more sense. How nutty am I that the first Rudolph reference to come to mind was a female Olympian and not the overpopular Christmas character? And I fault Americans for not knowing Woodrow Wilson.

Whatever. Shout to Jim!

We rounded out the weekend with a Nashvillian/Southern social at Tim Davenport's house, which turned into a long night of OMG! small-world revelations. Only made the more bizarre by Sunday night's revelations over at Lance and Greg's with Lindsay Watson and her bachelorettes.

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I am reminded of an Animaniacs line when they encountered the red-skinned Satan in Hades, "Hey, does George Hamilton know your tan is darker than his?"

Final story: Scott, Jon's partner, is out here for a suicide prevention conference. While making small talk with RMJ, he mentioned this. RMJ responded politely and received an over-effusive outpouring of love and support from Scott, who made it clear that we were all very happy that RMJ was here. Only later did we figure out that when Scott said "I work with suicide prevention." Robert had replied "I had a temp job [at a hotline] in college." Rather than what Scott heard, which was "I had an attempt in college."

Not that we weren't in fact all very happy to have RMJ there, it's just the big bear hugging was a little extraneous.

I'm just sayin'.

do u want 2 meet?

Signs.

And good omens.

photoboom!

More photobombs. The last one is genius. Nasty, pissy, genius.

cute break

I don't know what kind of animal a "slow loris" is, but they are darn cute when they like being tickled.


And now... at last - Sonya!!!!(slow loris) from Dmitry Sergeyev on Vimeo.

Via Laughing Squid.

and in gay marriage news

NY City and State are getting riled up as the Governor pushes for legal recognition of same-gender civil marriage.

Frank Rich puts out an excellent opinion piece in the New York Times on the last gasps of the gay-marriage haters.

And Meghan McCain shows the face of the future of the Republican party. I'm all for less government too—which means government should not be involved in religion of any sort. If she can pull that off, I might be swayed. Meghan's points:

1. Most of our nation wants our nation to succeed. 2. Most people are ready to move on to the future, not live in the past. 3. Most of the old school Republicans are scared shitless of that future."

And Former New Jersey Governor Whitman calls on the Republican party to drop the anti-gay plank of the platform. Key quote (via JMG): "I am not saying to Christian conservatives, ‘There is no place for you,’ I am saying, ‘Please stop saying there is no place for us.’"

Interesting times indeed...

seriously, don't take a stab at it

WTF with the SF this weekend? It was crazy, crazy hot here (crazy for the City known for the comforting coolness of the fog). Maybe it was the heat that made people go all stabby.

Three guys were stabbed at the EndUp (apparently they stabbed each other) late Saturday night/early Sunday morning, and cops found a stabbing victim with life-threatening injuries in the Castro at 2:00 a.m. [weekend blotter at the SFist]

I have always considered SF a pretty safe place. What's with all the sharp objects?

On a lighter note, it's April 20, or 4/20, so stoners: smoke 'em if you got 'em.

I don't smoke pot, but I am not against it (with my respiratory system I don't smoke anything). The ignorant and puritanical national fear fever has got to stop sometime. It annoys me to no end that the whole "pot is dangerous" idea is basically the fault of William Randolph "You give the the photos I'll give you a war" Hearst who carried out an extensive campaign against hemp back in the day as it threatened his fortune in timber interests as hemp was going to be used as a cheaper and more viable pulp source for paper. Then the completely hysterical (but not in the funny way) Reefer Madness propaganda film.

Man, America in the 50's was bat-shit paranoid. (Why are those people still leading the Republican party? Bring on Meghan McCain already. )

it's a nice day, for a ho wedding

I really don't know what to say about this. But I feel I should point with mouth agape.


They live in a trailer park (big surprise) but spent £100,000 on the skanky white wedding.

By the way, she's 16; the groom is 17. But their trashiness? Ageless.

As Dolly Parton says, "It costs a lot of money to look this cheap!"

It looks like they copied Dolly's chest too.

The £100,000 white wedding for the 16-year-old girl who lives in a caravan

GQB tonight! West Portal

The newly reinvigorated Guerrilla Queer Bar is meeting tonight in West Portal. Starting at the Portal Tavern.

'Mo's descend!

My philosophy has always been: any bar can be a gay bar with enough people.

of slings and arrows and outrageous fortunes

and the bad news just keeps on coming:

SlingMedia announced and demoed their iPhone app last year. It wasn't sent to Apple for approval until this year. Among the related announcements:

• AT&T changed its terms of service to prohibit streaming media to the iPhone. After the shirtstorm, it retracts the altered TOS as an error. The actual shake out remains to be seen.
  
  
• Sling media announces that the great new iPhone app which has been demoing with their old players just fine, is not only incompatible with existing Sling boxes but will require users to buy all new sling media/player boxes for home if users want it to work. The message boards are flooded with customers going apeshit, rightfully so, over the greedy, heavy-handed and apparently capricious "you have to buy a new box for $X hundred dollars even if you already spent an outrageous sum on the box you just bought" marketing/sales decision. Adding insult to injury, the iPhone app to watch your own content from the boxes you already own will cost $50 to $150. Media players for desktops and other smartphones are free and are part of the cost of buying the boxes.
  

Now it's looking like the iPhone Sling media player may be killed by Apple because of AT&T.

Facebook quizzes, may be some truth there

I have avoided all Facebook quizzes, and banned them from my news feed.

However—

Shilpa just took the SF "what neighborhood are you?" quiz. She consciously answered each question so she would NOT end up in the Castro, but the quiz saw through those lies to the raging alcoholic homo that she is.

Two things:

(1) That cracks my shit up like you wouldn't believe.

and

(2) The Internet is now calling her gay.

teabagging: the gift that keeps on giving

Honestly, I may never get tired of the teabagging news coverage.

Just the other day Anderson Cooper made an aside that "It's hard to talk when you're teabagging."

Last night, Rachel Maddow threw in the line "The teabaggers...appeared to be having a ball."



And as Ben Affleck said on The Daily Show, if he had known it involved getting your balls sucked he would have become an activist years ago. (I'm paraphrasing here.)

TNG on Family Guy

I love Stewey. And this C-story cracked me up so much, largely because they all voiced themselves. (Each clip is only about a minute or two each.)

Rail to the Chief

All I can say is that it's about time!


Via the SFist:

The Obama Administration made an exciting announcement today regarding Obama's vision for a new era of high-speed rail for U.S. travelers. Obama's Strategic Plan will rebuild existing rail infrastructure and develop a comprehensive high-speed intercity passenger rail network through a long-term commitment at both the federal and state levels. This plan draws from successful highway and aviation development models with a 21st century solution that focuses on clean, energy-efficient rail transportation.

The plan will use $8 billion provided by the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 (PDF) and $1 billion a year for five years requested in the federal budget as a down payment to jump-start the passenger rail system and set the direction of transportation policy for the future. The strategic plan will be followed by detailed guidance for state and local applicants. By late summer, the Federal Railroad Administration will begin awarding the first round of grants.

The California Corridor will connect the following cities: San Francisco Bay Area (San Francisco, San Jose and Oakland), Sacramento, Merced, Bakersfield, Los Angeles, Anaheim, and San Diego.

So, so cool. Just build it already!

Photobomb WIN

I want to party with this guy.

He manages to steal the photo, and the cocktail.

Total WIN.

And for some reason it makes me think of Alert Reader Coco Flores.

I'm just Sayin'.

Via This is Photobomb.