bitch and wine

Saturday, my good friends Jeff and Brian invited me and Rick up to their place in San Rafael for breakfast and then a tour of their favorite reservation-only wineries in Napa. It was hot in the city, pushing 90, and at 10:00 a.m., so I knew it was going to be a scorcher out of the City. And it was a hot day in all kinds of ways. Just an unreasonable amount of fun and beauty.

This is how we started out our day:


At Biale, where our flights included the wine rated "the best zinfandel in the world." So there was that.


And gotta love anyone who celebrates 80 years of secret wine making with the code name Black Chicken.


Just a gorgeous day with gorgeous company.














Jeff can really pick the best wines/wineries in Napa. A nice surprise though, was the unexpected Swipe gourmet cupcake truck who offered us free chocolate or pink champagne cupcakes with our wines (oh look, pairings!). Orgasmic cupcakes.


My favorite online comment to this pic was "[starts making cupcake disguise]."

Of course, the day was just chock FULL of snark and great lines. I started keeping a running tab of quotes on my phone.

Here's our day:

• Um...actually...if you get herpes on the nose it's kind of a medical emergency.

• There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

• Okay, so the worst-slash-best thing I've said at a winery was...

• Jeff, looking at shirtless guy on a street corner in San Rafael,: "That guy is way too skinny. He needs a sandwich!" Me: "I bet he'd agree with you." Brian: "That's a homeless guy. He's in front of Whole Foods begging for a meal."

• Wine host, inspecting the "clean" glasses from the dishwasher: "We've got some strong lipstick on these glasses." Me: "It's the eye shadow that has me worried."

• "I call that a metric fuck ton." "Really? What's that in shit pounds?"

• I think "Attractive Nuisance" would be a good drag name.

• "Did he really try to kill himself or was that just a drug-addled accident?" "It was an accident. If he had really tried to kill himself I wouldn't be laughing so much.... Probably."

• [Later] Hey, where's that hilarious suicide story we were promised?"

• That's not where the cork goes.

• SeeMeSmellMe dot com.

• So, you're a barbequista?

• Well, he's just calling that "tennis" elbow.

• Excuse me.... Popeye's.

• Chandon would be like the Disneyland of wine tastings, but it's more like Great America. Or Six Flags, because, you know: Vallejo.

• Wife beaters can be hot, but his was more like: "No. Seriously. I beat my wife."

• [When asking why I was so quiet today] The only people who consider me "quiet" are people like you.

• "Why would she have herpes?" "Because her name is Sally Knees Apart."

• He was the master of the single entendre.

• "Any time your boyfriend has an age with a fraction in it, there's a problem." "I think just having a boyfriend with an age with 'teen' in it is kind of a problem."

• The hard-on wants what the hard-on wants.

• I don't know why they're together. All I can think of is that he must have some sort of stunt genitals.

• Me: "I think my new drag name is going to be 'Warning Drinking Distilled Spirits Beer Coolers Wine and Other Alcoholic Beverages May Increase Cancer Risk and During Pregnancy Can Cause Birth Defects.'" Brian: "...Williams."