catching crabs in the social net

I am one of those people who actually enjoy using location-based social networking apps.  To an extend.  I won't use Facebook check-in or Gowalla or GayCities or Looped, but I do like FourSquare.  I like playing the game with my friends and "checking in" to places to let my friends know where I am if they want to join the party, or to unlock a local deal.   I will also say that their merit badges, mayorships and competition among friends can be useless fun too.

Now on the gay side of things there is the no holes barred (poor choice of words) location-based and hook-up-friendly app Grinder which crossed the line into mainstream press (and is locked out of NSFW content by Apple's app restrictions.  Boo.) No self-respecting or self-debasing gay man has a smart phone without Grindr.  For those not in the know, You set up a small profile on Grinder and when you launch the app, it lists the other users around you in order of distance, and you can browse their pic and interests and send them a message.

This is the future now of cruising.

I cannot imagine growing up or coming of age in this level of technology and digital social connections.  I'm not even that old and come from a time that we relied on clever looks, codes and finely-honed gaydar to find other members of the community.  Now, as they say, there is an app for that.  While the stated purpose of Grinder is to be a location-based social networking tool, it's pretty much an ad for hookups.  Even though we all fire it up to see who's around with no intention of following through.  Most of the time, it's window shopping.  Of course, those are usually the daylight hours.

The success of Grinder has spawned similar apps, such as Scruff, which is basically Grindr for bears with more features.

I have both apps on my phone and use them.

I feel as if I should be in a circle of strangers whose last names are unknown when I type that.

I do find Grindr and Scruff fascinating though when I travel.  In SF, it's fun to see who's around, who you know, and who you'd like to know.  I have never hooked up on Grindr before, but I have made some virtual and real life friends/acquaintances.  In Nashville it's a little more disturbing as the gay social scene is so much smaller and incestuous.  If you launch the app while in the bar, you see basically the 30 people around you whom you could see face to face if you would just look up from your goddamn smartphone for one fucking second and paid attention to me.  Also, depending on who is looking over your shoulder, you can see not only the 30 other gay guys in the bar who have smartphones, but pretty much any socially active local can tell you the sexual history of any one there pictured.

It's a small community.

Notice I did not say that it's a tight community.  Ahem.

The real value to these apps, I believe is for (1) the traveler and (2) the lost rural soul.  Can you imagine thinking you're the only freaking gay kid in a town of 1,200 in a state where it's 150 miles of lonely road until the next town of only a thousand people?  This app must be a magic lifeline—young men can actually see and chat with other gay guys and not kill themselves in a fit of isolation.

However, when the lonely and desperate gay tweenager whose parent's don't know that that iPod Touch grandma gave him is now filled with gay porn and websites starts chatting up older, skeevy men who are into younger boys, Grinder becomes the windowless van of location-based social networking.  I would advise young guys to chat up other young and/or verifiable guys and be vague about their real name, location etc. at all times.

The other group that gets the most benefit from Grindr/Scruff (I mean other than sluts) is the traveler.  Don't know where to go as a gay guy in this new town?  Want to meet a friend or order in room service?  There's an app for that.  I have found it particularly useful when visiting non-metropolitan areas.  When Grinder was new, I logged in while in Rosemary Beach with the family and desperate for a drink and maybe another gay person to hang out with.  I don't think Grindr had reached it's tipping point yet as all of the guys online where the closeted type who wanted only other gym-toned hard bodies who were "straight acting" and "need to travel" or on the down-low because they were all on vacation too with their wife and kids, and looking for a little "release" away from their regular "buddies" at "home."

Hey Alex, I'm going to pass on the "Self-Loathing" category, even for $200.

Grindr and Scruff are also fun in airports on layovers.  Other guys are cruising online, generally seeking a drink to kill time during multiple hour delays, and checking in at such specific locations such as "Terminal 2, Gate 12."  Then there are the Larry Craigs.  I am not judging.

There are also the boys who may as well be escorts, looking for love and hinting at compensation.  While not a rent boy per se, I was amused by this profile which popped up while I was in the Denver airport on a layover.  He's a young guy who is ripped and clearly knows his value as an accessory to the more established gay man.  You may read this differently, but this read to me as a cocky young gym bunny looking for a little sugar daddy. Albeit a "daddy" under 30. Maybe he just needs some sugar. Although clearly not the sucrose kind, judging by those abs.

This last trip to the lake with the family was the first time any of us had any cell service, much less data service with our iPhones.  This lake house is right where the borders of Mississippi, Tennessee and Alabama come together, and in the middle of friggin' nowhere.   One night it occured to me to launch Grindr and see what the gay scene was like, if there was any, as there was not a "downtown" to speak of for a good half hour (even 45 minutes) in one particular direction.  (By the way, I am counting the nearest liquor store as "downtown" in this case.)

Grindr was HOPPING.  Holy crap was it active.  I logged in once, was amused for a minute or two and turned off the phone.  I launched the app again later and had messages from over a dozen guys.

I have received maybe four messages in SF.

It was fasinating.  There was an underground gay community of sorts out here, and I can't imagine how wonderful it must be not to have to seek each other our in secret bars or parks, or furtive looks across the high school hallway, or the checkout line at the Piggly Wiggly.

Here's the thing though, the vast majority of Grinder users in this area were 18-23.  Of course, you have to be at least 18 to use Grindr so many of them may have been lying about their ages, which is supported by the youthfulness of their photos, clearly taken in their parents' house.  I can't imagine being out to myself in this part of the country much less cruising online at that age.  But I did not come out myself until I was almost 24.  I could not bring myself to respond to a lot of the very young guys who seemed to still be in high school.  I felt very much wash wash wash, can't get clean.  For some of the more plaintive, I would reply with a "Nice to meet you.  I'm here with my family.  I fly back to SF in a couple of days.  Have a nice weekend."  Like Facebook, Grindr can get a little addictive when you start engaging people.  I started checking more frequently whenever we drove out to a new town just to check out the demographics.  Still, the majority of profiles were of guys under 23 or 24 years old.  I did make one friend actually, and we continue to correspond.  He reported that he has a hard time dating there as he is a man's man, looking for a man's man, and most of the men he has managed to meet are into really young guys.  At 37, he is apparently over the hill.  Even with the abs.  I don't get it.

The Scruff profiles were a bit older and almost all exceptionally heavier.  But such is the Scruff demographic.  Now, after all of this rambling, is the inspiration for this post.  I came across this profile as being "near me" when I was in the backwoods of Tennessee/Mississippi and I found it disturbing in all sorts of ways.  When it comes to sexual lifestyles, I say: have at it as long as it doesn't hurt anybody else.  Personally, I am ridiculously vanilla when it comes right down to it, but I have been in the SoMa community long enough to salute and cheer when the freak flag flies.  But this...this one weirded me out.   I wanted to share this profile, name redacted (he uses his first and last name instead of a nickname which astounds me) because, seriously, WTF?!