haunting melodies

I can't tell if my iPod is haunting me or consoling me. He's strumming my pain with his fingers.

I am alone in the attic, having mentally and chemically (coffee) revved myself up for the task of examining, evaluating, cataloging, storing and weeding three generations of deeply personal memorabilia in the attic, alone, and trying not to feel so deeply and fall into sobs with every visceral moment prompted by some piece of tangible evidence of my father's life and my father's love.

I brought one of Dad's iPod speaker docks up to the attic, plugged it into the corner and set it to shuffle. And loud.

Out of the more than 6,000 songs available, the last three in a row have been about love and loss:

Lady Gaga's Yoü and Ihttp://youtu.be/X9YMU0WeBwU

It's been a long time since I came around
Been a long time but I'm back in town
And this time I'm not leaving without you

Katy Perry's The One That Got Away

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away

All this money can't buy me a time machine
Can't replace you with a million rings
I should've told you what you meant to me

Gavin DeGraw's Not Over You

Dreams: that's where I have to go
To see your beautiful face anymore. I stare at a picture of you
And listen to the radio

If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out, and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth
No matter what I say I'm not over you

So I just stood there in the dim and dust, wept, and let myself feel it for a while. It occurs to me I can only cry like that when I am alone.

I first heard the wonderful Not Over You this week with Mom attending Ellen's highs school talent show performance. The freshman who sang it has some serious talent, and we were moved and impressed by his performance. (As well we should be I suppose, as it turns out that was Hank William's grandson). Only after his performance did I start hearing the Gavin DeGraw's single on the radio, and then I bought it off iTunes. I have been listening to it almost on repeat.

But the first time I heard it on the radio I was driving back from Mac and Emily's with Mom, and it felt so intimate in the car with her. The lyrics adding a knife's edge to her mourning. I had to wipe away tears while driving and just stay quiet. I imagined what she must feel listening to the words:

Dreams: that's where I have to go to see your beautiful face anymore.
I stare at a picture of you and listen to the radio.

If you ask me how I'm doing, I would say I'm doing just fine.
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind.
But I go out, and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth: No matter what I say I'm not over you.

Everyone asks her how she is doing. Every night she sits down at a table set for two. And of course she's not over losing Dad. None of us will be for a long while, and the bride of 53 years the longest.




Closing note: I thought about embedding the videos to these songs here, but the video to Not Over You is just so offensively awful it degrades the emotional connection I have with the song now and can't bear to view it again, nor to subject you all to it.