on retainer

I cannot believe I am over 40 years old and getting a retainer. But sleeping soundly with the CPAP I awake with my tongue pressing mightily against my front teeth and they have begun to shift. I have pushed the front teeth so much I have pushed them out and apart. My super awesome dentist—Doctor Aaron Rose (also SF Weekly's readers' favorite)—just took some molds for a retainer, and will adjust the front bar to push my front teeth back into place. At least that's the painful plan.

I haven't had a retainer since I was... what?... 12? 13?

Things are a bit different now: you get your choice of over a dozen colors and embedded icons or characters.



I thought I should be subtle and just get "gum colored" but then thought, why the hell why? I considered the rainbow plastic, just to be loud about it. Then I considered bright Orange for the Giants. Then I considered Hello Kitty to be ironic, but it is apparently the most popular option. Then I was told that the slightly grainy swatches represented the colors with glitter. Fuck yeah. I am that gay.



Noting my iPhone case, Dr. Rose said, "Too bad there's not a Doctor Who option..."

Me: "Ooh!"

So next week I will be fitted with my new retainer, in TARDIS blue, with glitter and lightning bolts. And to think, they already cleaned my teeth with the sonic scaler screwdriver.