Go ahead and rip my throat out.

Well, I had hoped to avoid it but it's come to this. I have obstructive sleep apnea and it's gotten pretty bad. Not only is my snoring enough to prevent the formation of long-term relationships, but I stop breathing every couple of minutes while I sleep and it is taking a serious toll on my system. That, and I am tired all the time.

The sinus and throat surgeries to address the obstructive apnea have to be done separately (or else you wouldn't be able to breathe at all). I had the sinus work done a couple of years ago. (Or as I called it, "Cutting My Nose Despite My Pace.")

Monday morning I am going under the knife and they are going to take out my uvula, reduce my soft palate, take out my tonsils, and generally rearrange things back there. I have put this surgery off for years as I am told it is the most painful surgery you can have as an adult.

I am not looking forward to it. The recovery time is a good three weeks, and former patients have told me I'll want more. I'm hoping I'll lose some weight in this process, however I am also told that ice cream = good. (Like that was a math lesson I needed. Sure food is not love, but it sometimes tastes like love.)

I only found out Friday that my surgery is scheduled for next Monday. I am now frantically trying to get a month's worth of work done in five days, and prepare other people in the office to manage my responsibilities while I am gone.

Happy April.

Originally my doctor wanted to do a series of surgeries, including batshit crazy stuff like drilling a hole under my teeth and pulling my tongue muscle though it a little bit. Yeah, not doing that. There were other things too, but in consultation with other ENTs/Otolaryngologists, I think the tonsil/uvula/palate work will be enough.

The only words from my doctor I have found comforting have been: "aggressive pain management."

Now generally I am not a big fan of taking drugs, but pain-avoidance? Bring it ON. Give me some Hibernol and just let me sleep through the recovery.

And to address a question some of you are sure to ask, yes, it is possible that the apnea could be treated with a CPAP machine (Continuous Positive Airflow Pressure), but I do not want to sleep with a machine strapped to my face for the rest of my life. My brother Mac has had success with his CPAP machine, but he is not dating anymore either.

In bed with a stranger/date/boyfriend, there is a huge difference between "Who's your Daddy?" and (rasping through a machine--hoooh, kaaahhhhh) "I am your father."

I have also been assured that this surgery will not have a negative effect on, shall we say, "my skills." I'm not adverse to a little "before and after" testing, but I don't see that happening. I would like to work with my doctor on that particular study (hottie), but I am fairly certain that would be, oh shall we say, "unethical."

Eh. Probably just another waiver.