I am beautiful, in every single way

And by that, I mean that I think it's my "beauty" that keeps me single.

I was searching for a lost document when I found this survey Nfocus sent to me last spring. The editors asked some of the socials a range of questions for their "Health & Beauty" issue. These were my responses:

Name: Wilson Hardcastle
Age: 39.5

What hair product or process changed your life? Male Pattern Baldness

What is your skin care regimen? I have a special portrait in the attic.

What do you do regularly to beautify yourself and where do you go to do this? I beautify myself by making sure the rest of you are pretty hammered. To do this I go to the Swan Ball. Or church, and suggest to others that they take communion five or six times, just to be on the safe side.

What discontinued product should be brought back to the market? Lawn darts. Nothing makes me prettier than your having lost an eye.

Share any amazing spa experiences or procedures that you loved. Nothing really. If you have a particularly climactic experience at at spa is that considered a spasm? I've not had any spa experiences, but a good pedicure and food massage can make everything seem right with the world.

What beauty procedure, aside from hair color, matters most to you? Good dental work. Aside from smiling to be beguiling, it's difficult to lie through your tooth.

What’s your go-to lipstick or lipgloss? Vanilla Soft Lips. Or whatever I can pick up "second hand" if you know what I mean.

What mascara leaves your lashes long and lush? As a racing fan, I'm more partial to NASCARa.

Have you ever had a product or beauty procedure that shocked you, in a good way? When I was more naive, some beauty products shocked me. These days I am much more grounded.

What beauty practice did you learn from your mom that you still practice? Being a good person. That's a beauty that shines through and never fades.

Share your greatest beauty catastrophe. I still have a piece of pencil lead stuck in my face from childhood. I now just consider it a "beauty mark."

People would not be able to recognize you without your what? Cocktail.

What specific makeup can you not live without? Kryolan professional paints.

If you could have any sort of cosmetic procedure, what would it be? Full-body lipo, with a side of hair plugs.

If science could invent a procedure to fix something beauty-related, what would that be? Helping those people who are so hideous on the inside.

What do you do to stay in shape? It's pretty effortless. This round shape pretty much takes care of itself.

Have you found any new exercise regimes or cool workout programs that have significantly changed your physique? If so, what? "Cheeseburger" is not so much a regimen as a lifestyle.