all's fair

Chris and Shilpa are big fans of En Vogue (you may be sensing a theme after their pursuit of Exposé and the R&B Jamboree), and when word came out they were playing the Alameda County Fair, they made a plan. Chris was already committed to a day-long certification class with his friend Kathryn to become an official barbecue judge (how cool is that?), so they joined us much later in the day, just tim time for the concert.

Shilpa, Pee Dee, and I hit BART in the afternoon, trying to maximize fair fun time while not exhausting ourselves before the show.

I LOVE county fairs. I love the prize-winning pigs and rabbits and all the animals and the farm-centric skills and the largest watermelon and the home-made handicraft competitions/exhibitions from high-school projects to quilts— and bring on the food arts. (Betty Madison's prize-winning apple pie!) I love carnival rides, deep fried are-you-kidding-me foods, and of course funnel cakes. I love the country smell of the fair, the crazy-ass people watching, the skanky carnies working the fair next to high-school kids with summer jobs and the general happy good time vibe.

Shilpa and I had had several discussions about county fairs which turned into non-substantitve arguments. It seemed from her responses that she thought I was insulting California and calling them all hicks by suggesting that county fairs had animals or arts and crafts. As far as she was concerned, California fairs were all metropolitan and cosmopolitan and cultural affairs ("They have Indian Day!"). These conversations always turned into rather heated arguments. I pointed out that the ads for the Alameda County Fair—radio and television— featured a horse, cow, and pig driving to the fair in a convertible with a live chicken hood ornament. She was adamant: "California county fairs aren't like that!" Other than Nashville/Davidson County fairs, the only county fairs I have been to have been in the Bay Area, and all were like that. It finally occurred to me to ask:

"Have you ever been to a county fair?"
"No. But still."

That's when I finally clued in that I was merely experiencing that slightly insane week prior to that time that makes Shilpa feel like a natural woman, if you know what I mean.

From now on I am looking for a fair-related euphemism for that time of the month. Suggestions are welcome in the comments.

Anyway, as I was saying (just), I love the county fair.


So does Paul Day:

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And after the cab ride from the BART station, we hit the ground running. First things first: food. All the food groups were represented:


For some reason, I loved watching this little kid make his way, somewhat messily, through the cotton candy, and his dad's reactions.


Note DILF holding a stuffed and almost certainly unlicensed Sponge Bob.

Oh, before I get back to the food, I have to post this:


Let's take a moment for this view. I LOVE this photo. Particularly the contrast between the Happy Day sign


to the kid's clearly not face.


If you embiggen, you can see the enormous tears. Yes mom, this is a moment you want to capture on film. Well, okay, I did, but I'm that way.

Now that you are in full fair mood, back to the food. Deep fried? We got it: oreos, snickers, twinkies, potatoes.


Searching for corn dogs or curly fries, we passed the booth selling hot dogs wrapped in a curly fried potato. No fucking joke. This kid was loving it, and I could feel the happy vibes rolling off of him. It made me giddy.

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We finally settled on a curly fries stand, but we did not receive the orange over-chemicaled kind we love, but instead fresh curl-cut potatoes piled into a deep frier and dumped onto a plate: The curly fries loaf:


Note the accompanying diet cola. It was all we could do not to dive into the cinnamon rolls, which looked awesome. This couple confirmed our suspicions.


In the areas of food we couldn't eat, there was the "Fabric and Food Arts" pavilion. Some of this stuff was impressive such as the award-winning cookie icing and 14 carrot cake.

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There was also the odd "table place setting decorating" competition. None of those were particularly impressive or noteworthy (just perplexing), but the Coraline-themed setting was pretty cool.

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Paul Day appreciated the preserves. Shilpa lusted after the prized pies.

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Shilpa: "These are fake, right?"
Wilson: "No, they're real. You've heard of prize-winning pies? This is where pies win prizes.")

The quilts were impressive, but the "artwork" creeped me out. There were some lovely, lovely entries, and some clever interpretations. But some of the self-portraits, even some of the ribbon-winners, were just weird. What is WITH all of the darkness and photoshopped filtered dragons. Much worse was the guy who edited in bling and dollar signs to make him seem more "gangsta." Which does not strike me as consistent with expectations at a wholesome venue such as the county fair, but whatever.

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(I suppose the rural goth/dragon/wizard scene is still a popular form of rebellious expression and or fantasy, as evidenced by booths in shopping pavilions.)

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Onto more animals: I had no idea there were so many varieties of either rabbits or chickens. Some of these chickens were just gorgeous animals, with enormous downy plumage or intricate colors. I also loved the attached photos of their proud owners/keepers/raisers, who were typically under ten years old.

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I did notice that most cages had a shallow cardboard box for them to rest or poop in or something. It appeared be a standard feature and to serve some purpose. However, I though this particular choice of cardboard box to be either cruel or ironic. Or perhaps ironically cruel in it's foreshadowing.


If you can't read the printing, that is sliced "CHICKEN" cat food.

The fair was, as intended, educational. I never knew that smaller birds like doves and pigeons splay their tail feathers to attract females as the peacocks do. An interesting sight:


I considered a souvenir for Shilpa or PeeDee, but resisted.


There was other hot chicken I would have loved to take home with me (sample). The farmers and farm hands were sexy hot. Despite the heat, I wished I had worn my jeans and boots to better blend with the manflesh around the fair. Particularly the guys running the way too cute for words Kiddie Tractor Pull.

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We were there for the 4- and 5-year-old age groups. Just awesome. The EmCee and the hand made Shilpa and me thinking about our own tractor pull. (See, another euphemism is born at the fair.) After the Kiddie Tractor Pull, Shilpa and Paul Day played a round of Water Wars, wherein one crouches in a cage and uses a slingshot of sorts to hurl water balloons at an opponent in the same sort of cage.

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There was much wetness.



While Shilpa found someplace to towel off, Pee Dee and I visited the animals. The freshly sheared (shorn?) sheep (there was a demonstration a couple of hours earlier) were far too adorable. I want one. And I'll name him Shaun. As Shilpa notes often: mothers, children and animals all love the Pee Dee.

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We let sleeping hogs lie. Even the ribbon winners.

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I think the high point of everyone's day was the PIG RACES. OMG, so awesome. There are more shots in the flickr set, but I think this one sums it up.


Fun, fun, fun. This is why I love the fair.

And the rides. The rides were 4 to 6 tickets each, and each ticket was $1. Even though the unlimited-rides armband was a rip off at $28, it was the easier option. I think we may have broken even, but we were strapped for time. It did give us the feeling of freedom to go into line-less exhibit rides (such as the fun houses) we would not have paid for otherwise. Again, I eat this shit UP.

In the Mardi Gras fun house:

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Rides tend to make Paul sick, so he happily played mother and held our crap when we rode. He found is own fun at the fun house.


A shame we had no beads to throw.

The rides were fun, even though we didn't have time to take in roller coaster sort (which really looked like over-sized versions of those toddler games where an object/person/penguin is lifted to the top of some structure and rolls around and back to the bottom). Out first major ride was insane and fun. It spun, tilted and flung us around upside down. At times all the blood rushing to my head made me feel like it would pop like a zit.

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The best part though, was the couple strapped in opposite us (by the way, Shilpa and I had to be physically forced into our harnesses, one being ample of waist and the other of chest). The girl in teal top with spaghetti straps was also ample of chest. A short girl with a darling figure and boobs the size of cantaloupes. Smallish cantaloupes, but melons none the less.

During the ride, she stared rising out of her top. It was amusing enough when her right areola started to appear, and then nipple, but when her left boob popped out entirely and continued to sling around violently on the crazy ride I lost it! Her boyfriend couldn't see, strapped in as he was, she seemed to preoccupied with the ride experience to notice, and I couldn't get Shilpa attention over out screams to get her to look. And as we were strapped directly across from them, I felt I had to be at least a little subtle. When we finally landed, her boyfriend had point out that she had fallen out. We were still strapped in opposite each other. I gave him a thumbs up.

I love carnival rides, and they remind me of fond memories at the Ensworth Auction. My old favorites are the Tilt-A-Whirl and the Scrambler.

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The Tilt-A-Whirl looked rather boring 25 years later so we forwent the experience, but laughed our asses off on the Scrambler. So. Much. Fun.

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Our favorite ride was the Crazy Train, but it took a lot of cramming to get us into the little cars. The train runs on a vertical oval track, which itself spins around. We were stuffed into the little cars with foam all around us and a plexiglass shield in our faces.

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The window was so close to my face and body I had to brace myself against with with my hands. I felt like I was spinning in the phantom zone.

Final words on county fair food fare. Love it. Not just the tasty treat, but the ridiculous marketing. They didn't just offer frozen drinks. They're more "rad" than that. They sell EXTREMELY FROZEN drinks (i.e. sugar, water, food coloring).

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All I really wanted (I was starving) was a corn dog, but even I couldn't tackle their "large" version. It was a fried sausage as long as my arm. The standard dog with ketchup and mustard was perfect, and so so tasty. (Man, now I want one.)


Not to my tastes, but there were also several booths devoted to a variety of "jerky."


Honestly, some fare-goers like to stock up on their dried meats.

After the concert, we fulfilled our primary quest: funnel cakes.

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Note to self: Do not blog on an empty stomach.

Of course, the main event of the day and the original reason for the outing was the performance of Bay Area locals En Vogue. Again with the fun.



The crowd was awesome, and really into it. As were we.



The sun set in a crimson sky and there's nothing quite like the lights of a carnival on a warm summer night.

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I don't expect it to be quite on this scale, but tonight after work Shilpa, Pee Dee and I will be hitting the "Giants County Fair" behind the ball park.

More fair fare to come.