internally disheveled

Alert Reader PD posted the question: "What's the going rate for a housekeeper to clean up an emotional mess?"

He doesn't need someone to do the windows, just someone to wash off the pains.

Zombie, MD

On the way home tonight on the 71, there was a creepy homeless guy studying MCAT text books. Once he got off, I asked the stranger next to me, "Does anyone else think that was strange?"

The girl behind me was complaining to her boyfriend that the guy really freaked her out: "He talked like a zombie... I hate zombies!"

My take away from that was (1) she has talked to zombies, and (2) she knows some zombies personally, and she's had some bad experiences.

I added, "And he was studying for the MCATs. That should really scare you. Once zombies pass medical school we're all in trouble. They'll know how we work."

voodoo economics

Discussion at work today:

"Well, the thing is, these figures don't represent an exact 2.0% increase. They did a little voodoo with their math when they came up with the new limits. It was like 'previous level, times two percent, times a chicken bone.'"

about time

Or in other words...

It's timey, wimey, wibbly, wobbly.....bits.



(Seen on the interwebs. I wish I had a source for this.)

All dolled up

Oh MY.

I call this "The Drug Cocktail Dress."



We both stopped stunned on the street when we saw this in the window. Then of us were disappointed neither of us could never fit in this. Drew's initial reaction was as it should be. And wonderful:



He asked, "How would you accessorize that?"
I answered, "Pill box hat?"

Don't get it confused with the breakfast punch...

Or is that the breakfast punch...



I love that my friends have to label these things.

I heart SF.

Netflix makes unwanted cuts to my favorite films

I am still on the Netflix DVD plan and not the streaming plan. Why? Because I love movies. I believe pan-and-scan (the cropping of rectangular movies to fit a square TV screen) is an abomination visited upon great films by hacks.

Netflix doesn't pan-and-scan, but they do just zoom in to fit their whims, leaving the intended image cropped, sometimes to the sacrifice of the scene. I want the director's vision, not the codec's.

Do you know how badly Netflix reformats movies to fit TV and computer screens? It turns out, they hack up your movies quite a bit when they format a movie for streaming. It's a bit past "cropping" and into "offensively altering" for me. There's even a Tumblr devoted to before and after effects of what Netflix does to your movies.

This is particualrly terrible for films with subtitles, as on the widescreen videos, the subtitles are often placed in the black bar below the picture both for legibility and not to interfere with the visual. Users report that in non-foeign movies, like the Star Trek films, all the alien dialog is missing because Netflix crops out the subtitles. This also applies to some movies with non-english scenes or dialog, like most Bond films or international thrillers.

G is for Gorey

and the knob is completely twisted

This is the sort of editing I would do in the world.

Via.

Kory added, "The walls are beside themselves."

I replied, "The filing cabinets are in disarray."

He answered, "The ceiling is over it, while the outlets are shocked."

I added, "The filing cabinets are in disarray. The carpeting is floored. And the paper clip is all bent out of shape."


We could do this all day...

closet case

To this day I can't sleep with the closet door open. However, I never thought of it this way, and thankfully neither did my mother.

Source.

Flag dancers

Even on a foggy day, Flagging in the Park is a beautiful experience.

simply scary

Via i09, Reddit users recently had a fun time submitting responses to the challenge "What's the best horror story you can come up with in two sentences?" Some of these are just amazing.

My favorite, by justAnotherMuffledVo:

I begin tucking him into bed and he tells me, “Daddy check for monsters under my bed.” I look underneath for his amusement and see him, another him, under the bed, staring back at me quivering and whispering, “Daddy there’s somebody on my bed."


Other chillers:

I woke up to hear knocking on glass. At first, I though it was the window until I heard it come from the mirror again.
-therealhatman

When I finally grabbed her in the darkness, I swam back to the surface. It never occurred to me how fast the ice could freeze over.
-ADGE_S

Don't be scared of the monsters, just look for them. Look to your left, to your right, under your bed, behind your dresser, in your closet—but never look up: she hates being seen.
-AnarchistWaffles

After so many years living alone in this large house I came to a startling revelation. In this time I had closed far more doors than I had opened.
-namelessuser

stArcher Trek

Somebody mashed up Archer dialog to Star Trek: The Animated Series. If you're a fan of Archer, you'll think this is great.

Starcher Trek! from Starcher Trek on Vimeo.

portraits of our heroes

Khoa Ho of California has produced some stunning black-and-white graphic portraits of comic book heroes depicting who they were and who they became. Are all our origin stories both our shadows and our inner light?

Both clever and artistic. And visually poetic. Beautifully done.

playing in the street

I make it my policy to tip street musicians. Artists, mind you, not annoying people. If they're overly amplified, blocking the sidewalk, or are playing a plastic bucket of any kind, I'd rather turn a hose on them.

But if a public musician's performance makes you pause, you owe them a dollar. I like to reward beauty (and talent, and perseverance, and passion) when it is due. These guys were really nice.

I recall recently I paused to (1) enjoy the inspiring violin performance in the Powell Street Station and (2) alternate my distraction between his musical talent and his ridiculous woofy handsomeness.

A friend noticed me there as he walked by and we caught up for a moment. He proceeded to tell me a seemingly never-ending tale of woe. Just this after that.

All I could think of after a while, and it was hard not to crack into a smile in the face of his laments, that "You do realize there is a violin player playing your sad song right behind you..." It was a bit surreal.

Knock, knock

Knock, knock moo-therfucker.



(reminds me of this)

all sharps

I still can't stop laughing at this.

la la la, la la

Real life Daria trailer for not real Daria movie is 90s awesome right now.

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

airquote neighborhood restaurant invades actual neighborhood

Beth Spotswood, Super San Franciscan, hits the Fisherman's Wharf Applebee's, so you don't have to.

I wonder if Beth and Brock know that I stalk their words. Love them.

Some stuff going on this week (July 2013)

Someone asked what's going on this week. Here's what's on my radar:

Monday 7/22
Honey Mahogany at The Midnight Sun

Tuesday, 7/23
I'm going to see Fog Over Frisco at the West Portal Branch of the SFPL.
Trivia night at Hi Tops which is quite fun (8:00 pm).
Sundance Saloon at Beatbox (6:30-11:00 pm)

Wednesday, 7/24
Best Buckin' Hoe Down at Club 21 in Oakland
Panel Discussion "What is a bear?" at the LGBT History Museum
Bootblacking: A Backstage Pass at Mr. S Leather

Thursday, 7/25
BLUF Dinner, a Dore Alley kickoff event (which I think stands for Bondage, Leather, Uniform and Fetish)
Gearwear at the Powerhouse
Baz Lurhmann tribute night at the Monster Show at The Edge
Moonlighting San Francisco: A Variety Show with a Happy Ending

Friday, 7/26
Bearracuda Dore Underwear Party
I'm going to Tinsel Tarts in a Hot Coma

Saturday, 7/27
Flagging in the Park, AIDS Memorial Grove
I'm going to birthday parties Saturday night

Sunday, 7/28
Dore Alley. Yeah.

you understand it's called "Ocean Beach..."

My coworker's tale of trying to host a brother-in-law and his family from Ohio, in Sacramento:

"We have to go to Monterey so we can put our feet in the Pacific Ocean."
"You know, you can put your feet in the Pacific Ocean in San Francisco..."
"No you can't. That's THE BAY. We have to go to Monterey."
"You know that Monterey is a bay, right?"

And it went from there. Including a steadfast refusal to take his family to San Francisco, because all the streets and attractions will be gridlocked from the America's Cup.

Wiser words only fell on deaf ears.

Happy Birthday Dad

Missing you.

diabetic

Upon realizing, at least in theory, how much neither of us like children we aren't directly related to:

"You do realize our retirement home is going to be a house made of candy deep in the forrest."
"With a walk-in oven."

Fog Over Frisco

The San Francisco Public Library is hosting their 2013 Summer Film Festival by showing 20 movies in 20 branches this summer, and all movies were filmed or set in San Francisco! Its a fun list, and I'm excited to finally see Fog Over Frisco, which isn't available on DVD and hard to find (Amazon sometimes has it available under the "burn on demand" DVD-R service, but that can be iffy.)

Fog Over Frisco, 1934, stars Bette Davis and has been lauded as a San Francsico thriller and often seen as a precursor to the Hitchock style.

From Wikipedia:

Arlene Bradford (Bette Davis) is a spoiled, bored, wealthy socialite who finances her extravagant lifestyle by exploiting her fiancé Spencer Carlton's (Lyle Talbot) access to her stepfather's brokerage firm and using her connection to steal security bonds for crime boss Jake Bello (Irving Pichel).

When Arlene disappears, her sister Val (Margaret Lindsay) steps in to discover what happened to her with the help of society reporter Tony Sterling (Donald Woods) andphotojournalist Izzy Wright (Hugh Herbert).

Bette Davis, anxious to portray the slatternly waitress Mildred in the RKO Radio Pictures production Of Human Bondage, accepted the relatively small role of Arlene in the hope her cooperation would convince Jack Warner to lend her to the rival studio for the film. Her ploy worked, and when Warner received word about her dynamic performance inBondage, he elevated her to top billing in Frisco.^[1]Part of the Warner Brothers release was filmed on location in San Francisco. It was remade as Spy Ship in 1942.

The SFPL will be screening Fog Over Frisco at the West Portal Branch at 6:30 next Tuesday, July 23.

Oh Yell No.

Finally, there is a way to stop the damn Yellow Pages from being dumped on your doorstep.

The Castro Biscuit has posted about how you can recycle or opt-out of the directory pages deliveries.

And don't just chuck them in the recycling bin—it gums up the recycling machines. You have to take them to a recycling center like the one behind the Market Street Safeway.

Thanks Biscuit!

half the man he used to be

Genius illusion scares the shit out of people.



(Via LaughingSquid)

To: wit.

Commuting with a coworker this morning, we had a little "you first/no, you first" moment which made me think of the brilliant Dorothy Parker moment when a bitchy rival asked Miss Parker to enter the club first by saying, "Age before beauty..."  Miss Parker brightly stepped forward and quipped, "Pearls before swine."

Unfortunately, this exchange was a bit lost on my colleague as she had never heard of the expressions "age before beauty,""pearls before swine," or of Dorothy Parker.

A couple of clicks and references were sent. And I thought now would be a good time for everyone to take a moment for the awesome that was Dorothy Parker (1893-1967).

Dorothy Parker (August 22, 1893 – June 7, 1967) was an American poet, short story writer, critic and satirist, best known for her wit, wisecracks, and eye for 20th century urban foibles.

From a conflicted and unhappy childhood, Parker rose to acclaim, both for her literary output in such venues as The New Yorker and as a founding member of the Algonquin Round Table. Following the breakup of the circle, Parker traveled to Hollywood to pursue screenwriting. Her successes there, including two Academy Award nominations, were curtailed as her involvement inleft-wing politics led to a place on the Hollywood blacklist.

Dismissive of her own talents, she deplored her reputation as a "wisecracker". Nevertheless, her literary output and reputation for her sharp wit have endured.

My colleague's interest was piqued and she read more than the wikipedia page and found another interesting biography. She replied to me, "Wow… She sounds so modern day."

For some reason, in my imagination Dorothy Parker is always played by a young Dana Delany.

Miss Parker is eminently quotable are there is no shortage of online lists of bon mots. These are some of the easy ones which I think give a flavor of her character. Gems.

The cure for boredom is curiosity.
There is no cure for curiosity.”

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”

“Don't look at me in that tone of voice.”

“Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.”

“I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.”

“I hate writing, I love having written.”

“Tell him I was too fucking busy— or vice versa.”

“This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.”

“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.”

claw marks

Oh my word. Someone has made a Broadway musical mashup of Hugh Jackman's Wolverine.

With puppets!!!

Oh, Internet! Is there nothing you can't do?


And while we're on the topic, here's a video of the Man at Arms making fulling functional (if not retractible) set of Wolverine's claws.


The fabrication is cool, but if you just want to watch them slice through stuff, you can skip ahead.

Bub.

Neil Gaiman on why libraries matter

Via BoingBoing, I found this excellent interview with Neil Gaiman on why librarians are needed more than ever in the 21st century. Added bonus, it turns out the interview was with BookPage, the book review magazine where I had my first job—a small outfit in Nashville, Tennessee.

Neil Gaiman is my favorite author. And as most writers do, he gets the library (emphasis mine).

Over the last decade, which is less than a blink of an eye in the history of the human race, it’s all changed. And we’ve gone from a world in which there is too little information, in which information is scarce, to a world in which there is too much information, and most of it is untrue or irrelevant. You know, the world of the Internet is the world of information that is not actually so. It’s a world of information that just isn’t actually true, or if it is true, it’s not what you needed, or it doesn’t actually apply like that, or whatever. And you suddenly move into a world in which librarians fulfill this completely different function.

We’ve gone from looking at a desert, in which a librarian had to walk into the desert for you and come back with a lump of gold, to a forest, to this huge jungle in which what you want is one apple. And at that point, the librarian can walk into the jungle and come back with the apple. So I think from that point of view, the time of librarians, and the time of libraries—they definitely haven’t gone anywhere.

recycle this into what exactly?

There was a really odd juxtaposition of items in the building's recycling bin this morning.



I was just posting this for the weird visual of "gay news," "hipster foodie bag," and "skanky straight porn."

Seriously—I didn't notice this until right now: Gay, Bi, and Straight.

I suppose it really is very San Franciscan, and not odd at all....

this guy is a serious jerk

The Ice Cream Bar, Cole Valley

Powerhouse Classics

South of Market summer reading:

Anne of Red Hanky Gables.

I think I may need to spend some time, or solicit other twisted minds, to mashup up a classic "Summer SoMa Reading List."

Such as:

• Gay Pride and Prejudice
• The Red Vadge of Courage
• Johnny Tremainly in the Ass
• Beowoof
• The Count of Monte Crisco
• The Great Gaspy
• Enema, by Jane Austen
• The Old Man and the Semen
• A Tale of Two Titties
• The Catch Her in the Eye
• Vanity Folsom Street Fair
• James and the Giant Penis
• Moby Dick

Also

• A Wrinkle in Tim
• Fahrenheit for 69
• Homeo and Juliette
• To Thrill a Cockingbird
• Julius' Seizure
• A Midsummer's Wet Dream
• Herpes for Algernon
• One Blew Over the Cockoo's Nest
• Nooners with Morrie
• Pigmalion
• Madam Ovary
• The Joy Fuck Club

And continuing the list with original titles that now sound really dirty:

• Of Mice and Men
• Animal Farm
• A Modest Proposal

And this just in From Rizzo:

• Memoirs of a Gimp

a foreign language text you can sink your teeth into

While waiting for the 33 last Saturday, there was a group of early 20s girls waiting near me at the Haight Street @ Stanyan stop. I couldn't help but overhear. And imagine the slight valley girl intonations while you consider this.

Girl 1: "I'm trying to learn Spanish. So I am reading Twilight in Spanish because it is so simple."
(Me, internal thought: "Good for you for recognizing that Twilight is first-grade reading level drivel.")
Girl 2: "What's Spanish for "Sparkly"?
Girl 1: "Has anybody read the original?"
(pause)
Girl 3: "Everybody has but no one will admit it."
Girl 1: "Do they sigh all the time? Every other word in this thing is suspiro."

this quacked me up

A friend's mother explained her conclusions this way:

"Look, I'm just saying: If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck: she's a whore."

inarticulate and incompetent

A somewhat creative character assessment from the other night:

"He turns a haicu into a hican't."

What happened to 80s night?!

I don't think you can call it "Oldies" if you were able to download it on Napster when it came out.

A USA Original Series

Coming this summer:  "Driving Miss Daisy Duke."

Inspired by John.

soul. food.

An absolutely amazing place on Charlotte Avenue, in Nashville, Tennessee.

Read this. Go there.

Carrington Nelson Fox writing for The Nashville Scene:

At Thistle Stop Café on Charlotte Avenue, Magdalene House extends its empire of empathy

Excerpt:

Nashville — in particular, its rising restaurant scene — is the story of the moment. From The New York Times to Food & Wine, reporters are chronicling the ascendancy of Music City with such breathless narration of kale salad and hot chicken you'd think life here was a cabaret of artisan bacon and craft cocktails against a backdrop of reclaimed barnwood and bespoke denim. It makes for a good read.

But there is a deeper, quieter, longer-running story about life in Nashville that's not so obvious to the visiting trend-spotter. For the layover journalist attempting to capture the character of the city — culinary or otherwise — might we suggest adding the Thistle Stop Café to your itinerary? Because you'd be hard-pressed to find a location that tells a more endearing or hopeful story about the people who live here.

Located on the block of Charlotte Pike where Magdalene House's Thistle Farms social enterprise manufactures paper goods and body care products, Thistle Stop Café is the latest chapter in Magdalene's ministry for women who have survived prostitution, trafficking and addiction.

[snip]

With so much goodwill on the menu, Thistle Stop could easily rest on its social-enterprise laurels and offer a bare-bones repertoire of snacks — like so many corporate coffee chains. But that's not the case here.

The list of sandwiches, wraps, salads and desserts advances the local food story with an array of vegan and raw items that will be new to many palates. Pam Daley of nearby Spark of Life Healing Foods provides mock tuna salad, quinoa tabouli and raw pad thai made with cashews over curly crisp tangles of threaded zucchini and daikon. Dozen bakery provides muffins and scones, and Vegan Vee delivers an intriguing and indulgent selection of cookies, brownies and cupcakes sans dairy and eggs. (The raw triple-chocolate cheesecake alone is worth a visit. Made with almonds, cashews, dates, cocoa, vanilla, agave and coconut oil, the dense puck has the intensity of a truffle and a richness we are still trying to figure out.)

Or as they say it: "A story in every cup."

your librarian is having a fit

And it's kind of fun to watch. If you are a sassy librarian too. It's no Foxy, but it's funny.

Librarian Problems, such as:

Someone tries to check out a reference book

Happy time

just sharing the smiles. Shining through the fog.

Crafty!

Peaches Christ has successfully taken her Midnight Mass to a new level of drag productions and cult movies at the Castro Theater. I love the hour-long drag versions of these cult classics, and Peaches and her special guests thrown down performances not to be missed.

I was giddy for The Craft this weekend. And Kevin hadn't even seen the original before. Giggity! Sad news: the evening show sold out immediately. Happy news: Matinee was still good. Happier news: That meant pre-lunch and pre-drinking Castro fun time! Happiest news: Satyricon put together a matinee pre-party at the Mix.

I love my people.


"It is better than you fall upon this blade than enter this circle with fear in your heart. How do you enter?"


And I love that Peaches can sell out a matinee and two shows in a day. I'm so happy for her success. Honey Mahogany and Sharon Needles were great, it was fun to see Spaz as a man in this one, but Heklina can steal any scene!


Ah! Completely inappropriate fun times!

(Warning, bad singing and thong/bare ass cheeks video)

the mater of libraries is that libraries matter

While we're on the topic of the vital importance of libraries to the community and society, here are Five Fantastic Library Infographics.

Click here to view my favorite, of which the image at right is just an excerpt (from the good people at Masters In Education.org).

Care for the library—it cares for you.

Interesting bit of news, via American Libraries: ALA President Barbara Stripling releases a statement on libraries and the Affordable Care Act

From the statement:

Our research shows that Americans regularly turn to their local libraries as a trusted resource for information regarding government initiatives and programs. A recent study showed that more than a third of library computer users (28 million people) use library computers and seek assistance from librarians for health and wellness issues, including learning about medical conditions, finding health care providers, and assessing health insurance options. A 2012 ALA study found that 97 percent of libraries reported assisting library patrons with applying for and accessing e-government services.

The American Library Association and other groups are working to be sure librarians and the public are aware of information on the new law. The Institute of Museum and Library Services (IMLS), the federal agency responsible for the improvement of library services nationwide, and the U.S. Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS) are working in partnership to make sure that libraries are aware of and able to connect patrons with the information and resources they will need. IMLS has also awarded a grant to OCLC’s WebJunction to provide training support for this effort.

Just as our communities turn to libraries for help to learn about citizenship and passport requirements, use public access computers to get disaster relief information and obtain assistance with copyright and patent questions, we expect libraries will receive many inquiries from the public about the Affordable Care Act.  Decisions about how libraries will respond to inquiries about the ACA will be made by local libraries. As always, libraries do not promote specific programs or points of view, but provide the public with balanced, unbiased access to information.

Comic commentary mine:

desk safari

Taking Sleeveface to the office, and gettin' grizzly.  Via Laughing Squid: The Desk Safari tumblr: lining up animal images with co-wokers' bodies.

Sent in by Alert Reader JJ.

evidence of things unseen

My friend Mrs. Foxy, mother of three, posted this the other day.

She captioned it, "How will I ever figure out who knocked over the baking soda?"

There is just something hauntingly beautiful about this photo.

And, you know, funny.

I told her

"You remind me of a very young Annette Bening."


And she said, "Who?"

Followed by a worried, "Is that a good thing?"

I said "yes."

Ah, youth.

(Grumble.)

For reference:

and air quotes

Overheard in the bar:

"Four drinks and he starts using the word fuck like a comma."

the unified theory of the universe

The Pixar universe that is.

Here is a pretty interesting theory of how all of the Pixar films, including the Monsters, Toys, and Cars, can all exist, and in fact do exist, in the same universe.  All points on the timeline of earth, some in the distant past, some in a distant post-dystopian future, with a little magic and time travel thrown in.

Contemplate this then watch the movies again.

From the conclusion:

That said, Monsters Inc. is so far the most futuristic Pixar movie. By the end, humans, animals and machines have finally found a way to understand each other and live harmoniously.

And then there’s Boo. What do you think happened to her? She saw everything take place in future earth where “kitty” was able to talk. She became obsessed with finding out what happened to her friend Sully and why animals in her time weren’t quite as smart as the ones she’d seen in the future. She remembers that “doors” are the key to how she found Sully in the first place and becomes…

A WITCH.

Yes, Boo is the witch from Brave. She figures out how to travel in time to find Sully, and goes back to the source: the will-of-the-wisps. They are what started everything, and as a witch, she cultivates this magic in an attempt to find Sully by creating doors going backwards and forwards in time.

There's some good visual evidence of this as well. Fun.

sleep bowl

When I saw this on the interwebs today, I could only think one word.

NAPMOSPHERE!

red tape

What the?



Would you believe Walgreens still sells blank cassette tapes?


Update: A friend tells me this is now a hipster trend. And he tells me that he is not joking.

on the way home from work

stopping to get provisions for a night staying in rather than going out.

Sigh.

wake up and smell the whiskey

I love it when I see my friends' songs in karaoke books.



I really should start practicing this in the shower to see if I could even attempt it. I really, and truly, cannot sing. I did manage to make it through the Dillard's Dooley for Dave's birthday bearaoke the other night.

this is what I feel like

when people ask me out:

I know who would do this

and I think she should. And she should let me record it happening with my phone.

double release, twice as nice, and three CDs for me

Tonight at Café Du Nord— Maurice Tani, Mike Anderson and 77 El Deora celebrated the release of two new CDs: 77 El Deora's Blue Line and Maurice and Mike's acoustic duos and trios titled Two Stroke.

Great show, and featured guest vocalist Keta Bill. Jenn Courtney, will you ever come back to me?






Batting cleanup and stealing my heart was Tin Cup Serenade. CD immediately acquired as well.


77 El Deora and Maurice Tani & Mike Anderson are available via Western Independent. Tin Cup Serenade is available on CD and in the iTunes Music Store.